At 28 and for couple of months, my learning experience is fast forward. When I see my reflection, I don't see that same naive person that I used to be. The once gullible Rosalyn seemed to have vanished away. Now, I am left with the feelings of uncertainty. I doubt the world even with the goodness that it brings. I know behind every pleasant thing that I see is the reality that is awaiting to be uncovered. Always two-faced just like a coin. Always two-sided like a story. Every situation is an iceberg, what you see above water is just a fraction of the whole thing. There is more to it than you expect.

As I reflect on my everyday existence, I realized I haven't lived my life the way some people are doing it. In a way I am at peace knowing that I have shown the best of what I've got. I have smiled and laughed my heart out, and opened up the pages of my life to friends. In the process of gaining allies, I lost my sense of security. At the back of it all, I know I was perceived to be someone needy. Needy for assistance, for help, for understanding. Needy for everything. I AM NOT THAT PERSON.

All my life, I haven't accepted favors that would make me feel better as a person. Nor did I provide aid just because I wanted something in return. And if I could, I would refuse to take in assistance just because I don't want to be in debt. That is the worst of it all, having a debt that has no specific payoff. But Rolly always know what to say: "You owe this to yourself and not anybody else" or to make things lighter he would make statement like: "You owe me because I forced you to doing it." Seriously, if he's not on my back always pushing and encouraging me, I wouldn't even give things a chance.

The bottom line, it is indeed hard to be in between a rock and a hard place. Damn if you, damn if you don't.

Popularity: 45% [?]

The 4 hour trip from Las Vegas to
California is now taking us forever to travel. We left the strip about five in the afternoon, it is already 9 in the evening and we haven't reached Barstow yet. Californians just decided to leave in the afternoon to beat the traffic thinking people left early for the day. To our dismay, it is the opposite. Gosh, this is the heaviest traffic I've ever seen. It is a parking lot... And people are getting desperate because we passed by two accidents already.

Alyssa is getting way too chatty now. Rolly likes it because she helps him stay awake. Even she cracks me up... I can't believe she is a little girl now, with so many things running on her mind. She's grown so much and she amazes us with her inquisitive remarks and curious thoughts. Sometimes I ran out of words to tell her and so I would just laugh.

Ok, now we just passed Barstow and Alyssa is now sleeping tight. We are listening to Mandy Moore. I prefer independent music most often however, I find Mandy Moore's songs very pleasant to hear. Rolly doesn't mind it too. He listens to everything so it is all good.

The 15 is just so packed... Cars running 20 mph populate this freeway as far as the eye can see. Rear lights that are unending... We are thinking: Is this madness stretching all the way to Corona? It is just horrible! But since I am always indifferent, I actually like it. I've always loved being in the road...

Popularity: 39% [?]

We had a great Thanksgiving Day feast in Stanton. Alyssa was particularly happy because she saw Bea. They even did some coloring activity together after dinner. She's missing on that... being able to play with other kids. And she was so behaved, like always. I was just afraid on how she would react if I suddenly place her to a pre-K session with me not being there. But I never doubted her socializing skills. She is such a darling and she knows just how to behave specially when there are other people around. I was so proud of her.

Right now, we are in Vegas. Yup, we drove here just for the heck of it. It is so cold and windy. My right eye is actually red and irritated, however it is not bothering me. We will be heading home early tomorrow to beat the traffic. If I have to chose, I want to stay. Though I am not a gambler, I so am in love with this city and actually welcomes the thought of living here someday if God permits.

Well, I will be blogging back again tomorrow. It is almost 1 in the morning (Sunday) and I have to make some phone calls to the Philippines...

Popularity: 34% [?]

Do you know the feeling when you are just on the edge and about ready to just throw all things out? Just leave. Just break free. Today is one of those days when I am just too tired to go on. So I sit here... blogging. Just like always. Trying to let go of all my frustrations and disappointments. The same day last year, I was just on my happiest. The day before my birthday. I had everyone I needed to celebrate another memorable year: My Mom and Dad, Rolly and Alyssa, my Brother Resti and his family and ate Cita. Just few of the people who knows me and in return, I feel comfortable to be around with.

November 25... that is today. Alyssa is buckled up and enjoying her afternoon nap. And here I am sitting in the car trying to escape insanity. I just don't know how to start it or how to say it better. Should I act naive and skip the worst scenario of my morning and just go forward with the good one? That's what I've been doing for forever. Right? Always trying to live the perfect life, stretching my smile even if I am actually hurting inside, screening up all the pain and selecting the best. I've been good at that... just letting words pass me by. Always thinking not to take things personally. Just to let it go, Rosalyn. Just let it go.

All these times, I come to my blog and live the "Beautiful Life". I say beautiful because despite of challenges that continuously unfold and trials that bruise me, I still manage to show a genuine smile to people I love. I still can laugh outrageously. And when I go to the lake, I still am mesmerized by its serenity. And I am thankful that on these simple things, I see life on it's positive side. And yet sometimes, you get so tired and you just can't take it anymore.

I am human (again). I am entitled to feelings and emotions myself. I hate it when I have to stand up for myself. But I will. Just because I don't expect anybody to do that on my behalf. I don't like it when I have to answer back. But I will. Because now, it is my way of shielding myself from pain. I don't enjoy building a fence around me. But I am. Because I realized how vulnerable I've become when I opened all my doors. I don't want to drift away. But I am choosing to. Because I want to move on and be so far away.

Being married... it is sweet. And yet there are those instances you cannot avoid. And as I go on, I have come to realize how wonderful my Dad is to my Mom. How wonderful my Brother(s) is(were) to my sister(s)-in-law. Their state of marriage is my definition of marital relationship. I have to be very honest and say mine is a little bit challenged not by a ceasing love and adoration, but by something of a lesser relevance yet with such impact. I am finding myself on a daily battle and it is not my desire to break any bond. As I have said I escaped way so many times that if I have to do it again, I will. But I would no longer compromise my feelings. The matter I have to ponder now is that: Should I take in a favor and be in debt for the rest of my life?

Popularity: 31% [?]

Christmas is just few weeks ahead and you are most probably one of the thousands who haven't decided what to get as a gift. Not only for your loved ones, but also for yourself. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking. There are a lot of options to choose from but the best ones can be very expensive. Right? But what if I tell you that most people actually are more thankful if they get something personal in nature. Something that is different from the others. Something that is really theirs.

Customized stuff gifts are what is in! From customized shoes, bags, accessories, electronic gears and yes, even cosmetics! At MilkOSugar.com, you can create personalized products that your parents, spouses, girlfriends or boyfriends and children would love to have! But make sure to do it now because depending on what you want to order, it normally takes couple of days to weeks before you get them. Well, just in time for the gift giving!

Popularity: 32% [?]

Ate Raquel is in Stanton for the whole week. At 8, I start doing what she does when she's here with us. From dusting to cleaning up, from emptying the fridge to making sure the garbage is taken out. Ate Racquel is a very good hosuekeeper. I cannot even keep up with her. She is a natural cook too. I am thankful for the everyday that I have come to know her and I try to learn as fast as I can specially when it comes to fixing ulam. Alyssa misses her too... We are looking forward to having her back in few days.

I will be busy again tomorrow. But I hope to be able to catch up with my blogging before the week ends. Then again Thanksgiving is coming up, and Black Friday is around the corner. So lets see... Maybe next week is a little slower than this one.

Popularity: 28% [?]

I am looking at Christmas Cards to send to family members. I've seen great ones to that I am looking to buy at 123Print. They have gorgeous designs from cards, labels, Christmas party invitations to stationaries. I love that you can even personalize the cards. You can add up your own photos to ready to use templates. Just another way of making your loved ones feel closer to you... The prices are not that bad either. And the more you order, the more money you save! If you have a business, this is the best way to order cards for your clients... So what are you waiting for? Don't wait 'til next week to get your Holiday Greeting cards!

Popularity: 25% [?]

In bed again trying to feed myself some peace. I wish the nights will extend for days. Yet the more I want to stretch the hours, they seem to come sneaking up on me. I guess it is because sleep is becoming more like a stranger that the mornings come visit so early. Often, I hold on to those last hours in the morning staring at the darkness, listening to my heart. Defining thoughts that are weighing on my mind. Outside, the rush of wind is evident. It rustles between plants, shaking the leaves down. Crushing the flowers... just blowing. One time I opened the window and I was taken by surprise. I didn't know California wind can be so vicious and so cold. A bird flying against it would surely break its wings. One good thing to know, the ground is always there to nourish the broken. It will never be an infinite fall...

There is so much in this world that is purely fascinating if not repugnant. There is just a thin line that separates the sides you chose to belong. Often, I find myself in between trying to balance it out. Emotions are my first line of defense. It clearly defines the person that I am. I do not pretend to be better, more knowledgeable, or more wiser than anybody else. I am plain and ordinary. And though put on a lot of faces in my lifetime, I stayed sincere to my friends and family. I am humbled by their love and their never ending support... As for my Daughter Alyssa, she holds the key to my true self. After the masquerade is over, she leads me home. And as the night falls outside, she blankets me with honesty. Her innocent eyes take me to the deepest recesses of my heart where I lock up all my honest emotions. And as I freely shed tears, she comforts me with a loving a hug. By that alone, I already am healed...

Popularity: 34% [?]

Tuesday... what did we do today? Nothing much except for the regular household chores. It is also cold in the morning, I don't even want to get off bed. Ate Raquel and I wanted to take a walk around the neighborhood, but we are always procrastinating. I spoke with some cousins in New York today. And yeah, I was on the phone with my Mom too for almost an hour. It always makes me feel good to speak to family members... They always make me feel better. Unconditionally.

Popularity: 23% [?]

'Can't believe Alyssa is growing up fast. We took her to Target to buy new set of clothes and I fell in love with this beautiful Top and Pants. She looks so cute. I took her to the lake (again) for another pictorial. She hated it so I just snapped couple of photos. Then we headed to the bookstore to read magazines...

[View with PicLens]

Popularity: 23% [?]