I learned from past experiences that if people are unhappy with what they have and who they are, they make the next vulnerable person miserable. It seems to me that I always find myself to be the latter one because I am gullible and I always try to compromise. But just like before, I can only take much. I should have known by now that when I don’t vent out my frustrations, the resentment just keeps building up turning to extreme dislike and anger.

It is so sad that as one ugly story ends, another begins. As I start finding my way towards “forgiving” another person, someone with a greater, selfish motive has to cross my boundaries. And if the first battle was all nonsense, this second one is just pure personal issues blown out of proportion. It is a simple one but because it’s been happening almost everyday, it finally got the best of me. My patience is all worn out and my tolerance for stupid feeling-almighty people is just so thin that it breaks so easily.

How and when it started are all stored in my mind. I am not the kind to easily forget… I hold on to everything that is said about me may it be positive or negative. I am usually patient and I always try to be calm but after being pushed for seven months by the same person to the extent that she is using the manager’s name, I know I have to stand up for myself because no one else will. And yesterday, I gathered all courage that was left of me and wrote email to the manager, my supervisor and also the other person involved. That moment, I felt like it was the only resort to voice out my frustrations. It felt really good to finally be able to defend myself knowing how this person’s work ethics and personal values are.

Did I succeed on what I thought was the solution to my problems? Well, it is still to early for me to say. The fact that my coworker called in today didn’t help either. Being the younger one, I planned on opening up the conversation about whatever issues she has against me. All I want is for her to be fair and to be honest. And if she is offended that I am distant to her, I can only say it’s because I have the right to decide and to choose who I wanna be associated with. I want to surround myself with who I think are genuine to me. They are not necessarily be the people I sit with and talk too often but if they respect me enough I will be very happy to give them the same treatment they truly deserve…

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On our way from a short unplanned Vegas trip. Despite of the aircon on full blast, I can still feel the 100-some temperature outside. Adding to that, the traffic is terrible! But, we’re not in a hurry. Home is waiting and I keep telling Rolly to pull over if he’s got to stretch. We had so much fun. Ate Myla invited us to stay at their timeshare located near the strip so we saved on hotel stay. Rolly gambled a little bit last night while I took Alyssa shopping. After dinner, the three of us went to Excalibur Arcade and tried to win her some toys. We ended up spending a 50 dollars but only got her three little stuff animals. We tried to win her another guitar but after several tries, we knew it is not going to happen. With 50 dollar, we could have gotten her better toys. But Rolly was right, it was all about the fun. Alyssa was happy and that mattered most. Besides, she got herself a pretty unicorn toy for $32.00 at the casino gift shop.

Before heading to California, we stopped by Fashion Outlet for lunch and for a little more shopping. Rolly gave me his Visa and an hour for us to shop. I was supposed to get me some clothes but I got busy buying stuff for Alyssa that I ran out of time. We went to Gymboree, Childrens Place and Old Navy. I also bought my nephew and niece some clothes I will be sending home. I owe them a lot now, I feel bad that I haven’t sent them anything for a long time…

Few hours away from home. I feel tired. Tomorrow until Wednesday I will be working the long hours (again). This first five days of August, I was supposed to work my second 5-day straight 12 hours but I’d rather not anymore. From Monday through Friday last week, instead of doing the whole week I was able to have them alter the schedule so I only worked my regular shift Friday. I don’t really mind doing it but because of some words from the outgoing lab manager about an issue that was blown out of proportion last week, I know I have the right to say no to what I wasn’t hired to do. I was dismayed. (Refer to this blog entry)

Been on the lab for six months. JUST six months. I don’t have the knowledge of someone working there for 22 years. I am now going against what I said about NOT running away from what is expected of me. I have insufficient experience and limited capability. It takes so much for me to deal with my own work-related problems and I can’t take anymore responsibility trying to cover for two more people just because I started few months ahead of them. NO.

So basically I am over it. All my life, I feel like everyone expected way too much of me. My Mom and Dad expected more, my teachers expected more… my friends expected more. Yeah, it did push me to better myself. However, I feel like it stole my bargaining power. I know my Mom and Dad mean well, of course they do. But I have now come to doubt other people. If before I am gullible, I have now built this unseen wall around me. There is no denying that I totally changed into something I used not to be. I have to… Dee Anne is right, no matter where I go, NO one will protect my interest but me. NO one will fight my battle but me.

I tried to be nice, to be reliable, to be someone very dependable. But words forcefully mold a person, sooner or later you give in to the distress of hearing something unpleasant or negative- it doesn’t matter who it comes from. If someone attacks you personally and you were not able to brace yourself, either you break or you are pushed to stand up for yourself. In several occasions, I played it safe. What did I learn after? The resentment keeps building up. It is not very healthy…

I want to have mental satisfaction as well as enough physical rest in order for me to successfully do my work. If both is not met, then what will be expected of me? I am getting tired of the struggle. I am choosing to end it… three days days staying for four more hours. Just extra hours. Not extra responsibility. Just extra hours. And that’s it… no more worries.

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What I thought would be the end of a quiet week turned out to be one of those days that is just meant to go bad. No, it wasn’t a total nightmare like the way it was projected. However, it was a little disappointing that despite of being careful and being wary about what to say, somehow and in someway you will still be misunderstood. It is unbelievable how “MIGHT NOT” can automatically mean “NO” to other people. And that “HOLD ON” is a phrase not everyone is willing to take. That maybe, simply giving a person some time can probably solve a question before it becomes a problem. As far as I can remember, I never had any issues taking accountability to errors from my side. If they are my mistakes, why will I let someone be responsible for it? It was and will never be my intention to mislead or provide false information to anyone – specially to a person that I worked hard to please for 6 months to gain just a fraction of her confidence. It will never give me anything in return, nor will it make me feel good as a person. What was said was not even half of what transpired on the conversation. I just couldn’t help but smile sarcastically. All the effort I invested were completely forgotten and now totally gone to waste.

All I am asking is to be given a little benefit of the doubt. For six months, I never ran away from any responsibility. I tried to remain honest and gave straight answers. Today is not an exception. This is a classic case of I-Said, She-Said and it is up to that third person to weigh everything. I might have failed to recount the story when I was asked but it will never change the fact. One of my co-worker said I have to start defending myself, that I have to speak up and say something. For what reason though? Would it be not enough that I tried to correct it but still wasn’t good? Again, I will not waste anybody’s time just to look good. Read the rest of this entry »

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It takes so much for me to get upset, or to even feel extreme dislike for another person because I would never want anyone to despise me the same way. But one thing that most people don’t realize is that I am also capable of getting mad. That behind the smiles and laughter, and my projected naivete, I am just but human like everybody else. I have my own limitations and I acknowledge facts that make me imperfect. And if I will list all my flaws, it will probably be twice more than anybody else’s. And I know that. I am fully aware of that. And that is the reason I imposed one rule upon myself. That is: Keeping quiet when I got nothing good to say. I’ve been doing pretty good at that… and despite of words repeatedly thrown at my face, I still try to be graceful. And no matter how I force myself to slash a come back, I can’t even say something so insulting to degrade even the most evil of all people. I couldn’t. I won’t and I never will.

There is a natural good in every person. But also, let us not forget that there is another side to everyone as well. Read the rest of this entry »

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Oh what, oh what am I going to write tonight? Nothing really comes to mind right now. I am just so tired I suppose. I know it was a short week but I am consciously anticipating the coming workweek as I am again scheduled to do the long hours from 6:30 to 6:00. Just the thought of it takes away all my energy. Yeah, of course the overtime pay is good but it also requires more effort and more hard work. Both I really can’t seem to promise specially I have my own personal obligations to fulfill at home like cooking for dinner, cleaning up and doing other chores. I can probably do the shift three times a week, but five days straight is not something I am looking forward to. Then again who am I to really complain? I know I cannot really say NO as I understand that I have to do this until John gets fully trained to do closing. Adding to that, David is also going on a 2-week vacation starting on the 26th of this month. So yup, we are doomed. I am afraid the schedules are going to change and I have this gut feeling that they will be scheduling me to do closing those days. I hope not. And I guess that is my main concern so I had just to mention about the schedule to Marissa and Jennifer. I want to make it clear that my regular hours start at 6 in the morning… Read the rest of this entry »

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So I guess this is what I will be doing now: Summary Blogging. I can’t really find free time any more to write. I feel so tried after work. And of course as soon as we get home, I also have to do some cooking, cleaning up and fixing Alyssa’s stuff for the next day. I am still online, I just cannot stay long enough to even do something. We are off today because of the Holiday so thanks God for another day of rest. I really need it… This week is a my short days. I can no longer do the long hours because I seriously am so tired. Anyways, here was my half terrific-half worst week in review. Read the rest of this entry »

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I haven’t blogged for so long since we started moving so I just have so many things to talk about. Not like you care about my ramblings – but since you are reading my journal, you might be curious about how I am doing. So I will be doing some random writing about things that I remember since the last time I got the chance to really sit around and blog. So here it goes…
Family first. My Mom just celebrated her 65th birthday on the 18th of June. Father’s Day was just three days after and my mom said they will be having cake to honor how great my Dad is. I am just so lucky they are my parents… the two people who I know will always love me unconditionally, lift my spirits up when I am down and will always be there for me no matter what. They provided me with great foundation and as mentors, they continue to teach me things I ought to know in life. In contrast with whatever is said about me, I am a good person because of them. I aspire big in life because of them. I dream to be someone because of them. I am what I am now because of them. I will be what I PLAN to be because of them. And if I have to say I owe someone, it is just proper for them to get all the credit. Read the rest of this entry »

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Finally, weekend is here. My voice is still kinda husky and my throat is very itchy but I guess I am doing better than last week. I am completely drained after straight one week of 12-hour work schedule. I just feel so utterly worn out and needing some time off to replenish my energy. Next week should be a better one for me, and come Monday, the 31st, it will be one great three-day off. Rolly booked us a room at the new Arya Hotel in Las Vegas for the 29th, 30th and 31st but I am not really that enthusiastic knowing that the drive coming back to OC will be bad. But I know he means well. Besides, the three of us need some time away from the busy life. Read the rest of this entry »

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‘Just got home from my 12-hour shift and I am feeling exhausted. Alyssa wanted to eat adobo for dinner and I cannot even get myself to cook. So we had to drive to the Filipino store to get some ulam. I bought chicken-pork adobo and dinuguan, Alyssa picked up chicharon and a pack of Moo Selecta Choco drink. I paid almost $20.00 for just few items (sigh!). But seriously, I should not even complain about what I pay because compared to the $25 gas/day  that Rolly spends plus the house, the cars, the motorcycle and the bills, my expenses are basically nothing. It’s good to know though that we are able to save some and spend some…

I guess, everybody’s (almost) having same financial issues in one way or another. At work today, we gave $2.00 each for a chance to win the $160M lottery for tomorrow. Everybody’s just hoping we can win, and quit work at the same time! Lol! Funny thought! Deanne said she will travel and won’t stay on one place. Zyg, he said he will still be live the same life he has here in the US but will definitely buy a house in Germany. As for Isella, she will buy everything her two boys want. For me, the very first thing that came to my mind is to pay off my loan to my Mom and Dad.

Money. Money. Money. Who said it will never make you happy? Reality is, money is the reason why we work hard. Without it, we cannot afford the simplest thing we need. Or cannot even dare to dream of the biggest thing the heart desires. It might be the root of all evil as they say, but it does not happen often. I mean, it doesn’t apply to everyone and it just depends on the person. The thing is, money works both ways. And as a human being, you have to choose which way you are going to use it so as not to harm someone else. It is a matter of doing the right thing, and making decisions as we all ought to do.

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Yesterday, we stayed home almost the whole day. I needed the rest so much after my 12 hour shift on Friday, which I think went fine. I mess up one patient’s order and my Manager was not quite pleased. The good thing though is that one of the tests is clotted so the patient has to come back for redraw. I felt really bad… I should have known better. We were just so busy! I know it should not be a reason to slack, but some things tend to slip from your hand when you don’t have enough time and enough help to get things done. But I always try to cover for myself. I learned the hard way that I should not trust anyone to look after my work.

This coming week, I am again scheduled to do overtime on Tuesday and Thursday. My manager think it will be a good practice for me and I don’t really mind it either. On the coming two weeks, Rolly and I will be a little busier than ever. But we always work as a team so it is all good.

Tonight, we are going to LAX to pick up Tatay and Ate Racquel. Their two months vacation is over… I hope we can come home early though because I have to be at work 6:00 sharp to be able to get the cart from the hospital back to the outpatient lab.

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