I seriously don't know where to stand anymore. Last night was just so terrible so I decided that's it. Can't take it anymore. The problem is that I am always the one they have to ask, and I am always the one who says NO. And whenever I say that, I get the usual reaction. But come on... I was asked to do something before and I did it with no questions whatsoever. All I said was YES to almost everything. So now that I finally got the chance to say NO (JUST on matters that concern my daughter), it is taken against me.

On our way home last night, Rolly suggested we take Alyssa to Toys R Us to see what she wants Santa to get her for Christmas. It was a good plan... I wanted to take her out too because I rarely am with my daughter now that I started working. When we reached home, I was the one who first opened the door to check on her. I told Alyssa to get ready so we will take her out. She started crying... I was then asked if they can take Alyssa shopping with them. So I said: "Hindi rin kami nakabili ng mga regalo Ate kaya kami na lang ang magdadala sa kanya." And before I even finished it, I got that reaction I couldn't even put words into. I am sorry to have hurt feelings - again! But it would have been better if I was asked: "May lakad ba kayo ngayon?" Because truly, we really plan on things ahead too.

I was so done.

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Frustrated. Annoyed. A bit mad. Upset. Angered. Tired.

There is just no way to describe it. I don't even know where to start. I am glad I met Adriana at the Meditech class. I want to think she is Latina (born in here in the US) and married to a Filipino. She's got two kids. She was telling me a while ago how she needed to pick up some things at the store for Christmas Eve. So I asked her why she is not ordering. She said she will only cook for four, just them because they decided years ago to spend holidays as a family. Reminded me of the Philippines. I mean, it's true... you go to family Christmas parties anyways. Correct me if I am wrong but isn't it a good idea to reserve couple of important days (on the calendar year) just meant for the parents and the kids - alone?

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I am having my lunch, the usual sandwich-chips-water combination. This morning during my MediTech Class, I went to get my HepB shot. It is supposed to be a booster shot but I have to go back next month to get the next series if my immune system won't go up. Tomorrow is half day. I might have to go back to my house floor if my Manager will let me do some work. And Thursday is another half day. Seriously, we haven't bought presents yet. We've been way too busy so Rolly and I are planning on doing that Thursday after work. My, I am not sure how that will go though... it might be a very busy day.

Regarding work, I want to say I am doing good. We just have to wake up an hour early today because Alyssa was having fever and it woke me up. We forced her to take some Tylenol but she ended throwing up so I had to trick her into drinking milk with meds on it. I know it is not a good practice but the situation calls for it. I really feel bad for her because last night, she was telling me she's sick. I thought she was just kidding, I was wrong. I should have known better though as she was not her usual chatter self and she actually volunteered on going to sleep early... so not her at all! But yeah, she is a little sick and I hope she is better when we get home this afternoon.

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Last Sunday, we spent almost the entire day (after church) in San Juan Capistrano. I took some photos of Alyssa and here they are!

[View with PicLens]

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It really bothers me when Alyssa gets too feisty and quick on being offensive. If only I can set up specific rules on how to handle her tantrums, one of them will be to leave her alone when she starts acting up. Basic knowledge should suggest that the more you annoy tots, the nastier they fight. Pretty basic which a lot of us overlooks. Most of the time, silence is the appropriate tool.

Everyone should agree that parenting is really hard specially when there are so many involved. Speaking of parenting, Rolly and I had a long conversation about the boys. The issue about them was brought out when we were having breakfast. To comment on the matter, Rolly said that PARENTING is NOT a competition between brothers and sisters. The fact is that, no Mom and/or Dad is ever perfect and with that said, it is so unfair to imply that someone else did it better than you, or that you did it better than the other. Because who would ever want their kids go astray on the first place?

The same thing with me. I would never want to compare the way I deal with my daughter to how my brother (and his wife) handle his kids. It doesn't mean that I care less but his business only worries me when I am invited to join in. I always remember that Family Matter is always a sensitive topic to discuss, and I am not the person that butts in just to say what I have in mind. The same way during conversations, I rarely say something if I don't have to. I'd rather be quite than to say one hurtful word.

But I am just so proud of Rolly because he always maintain his composure when subjected to things he doesn't like. Sanayan nga lang ba? That is the question. Just pretend that nothing is being said and yet deep inside hurt? Would it be better to mark your grounds before someone steps on your toe? That's what I have been doing for the longest time... but patience run out and you reach the tip of the bottle and the slightest of sarcasm would blow you off to pieces? Have you been through that? I allowed myself to play the victim if situation, that is where everything just fell apart.

I hope in the future that Alyssa can make decisions for herself and her family when a situation calls for it. I wish that she would never feel obligated in any way or form. That she will be as far away if she wants, or be as close to home if she chooses to be. I pray for her the freedom to decide on things and at the same time to act accordingly. To be who she is and not just to conform to what is being asked of her...

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People... they sure know how to piss you off. Last Friday, Rolly gave me a card that was sent from Los Angeles (with a zipcode of 91606). It was just so weird... I will take a picture of it when I get a chance tonight. But this person or persons sent out a card to me with this message:

It was also signed... Seriously, no one knows of my address except my cousins in Canada and my Family in the Philippines. I do have some friends from my past jobs but I don't even get in touch with them except through email. Hmmmm... someone out there has no life I guess. I can be nasty, so curses whoever they are.

Rolly was laughing at me. He would say, take it easy girl. Lol... I would if I only I will be left alone!

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I was thinking of blogging randomly about yesterday but I decided to just do it in order because it will be easier to remember things.

So, work is great. I guess. They were trusting enough to make me do my own thing, of course Davey still checks it after. So far, so good. Caught some mistakes of my own like forgetting Phosphorus on a Renal test that also requires BMP. Does that make sense? A little alien, but I realized that I get smarter on the floor. It is fun to learn new things, and it always gives me more confidence knowing I am given a chance to prove what I know no matter how new I am to the system.

Friday night, we went grocery shopping. I told Rolly we were only there for three items: baby oil, laundry detergent and bottled water. Instead we left with a half a cart of whatnots. Suddenly, we felt that we needed a lot more than what we went to the store for. As we were loading our bags, the other guy beside us was doing the same thing. He looked at us and said: "I only came here for a butter." I just laughed at him because the back of his truck was filled with grocery bags too. "I don't know what happened! I wish there is a ticket for only one item!" Rolly answered: "I know what you feel!" Seriously, going to the store without a list always ends up in a disaster!

For our Movie Night, we picked sweet November to watch. It is pure drama. It is a tear jerker... 'can't stop crying!

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Yesterday was my official first day and I actually tried working, of course with my lead's assistance. I feel comfortable because I think it is pretty much self-explanatory. I just need some more time to get familiar with things. I say, both Jill and Dave were very helpful and I truly appreciate their efforts in making my learning experience a smooth one.

But I am missing my daughter at home. Last night she said: "You and Daddy are going to work tomorrow and I will stay home with Auntie Raquel." I was feeling so bad for her. I really wish my Mom is here with us... I trust Ate Raquel but I'd be more comfortable with my Mom and I don't have to worry too much if I go home a little late.

Next week, I have to attend a three-day class. Then on the 24th, I think we will be off a little early. Enough time to help Ate Raquel with the cooking. I might have to ask Rolly to stay home that day just in case Ate Raquel needs more time.

On Saturday, I am not so sure if we will be heading out to Bakersfield. Rolly's neice Jojit sent a text last Monday inviting us for lunch to celebrate her birthday/anniversary. I want to go because they always find time to come over when we are the ones inviting, but I also want to sleep in late. I am so sleep deprived... I go to sleep at around 2 and for two days been waking up at 4 for work. I know Rolly's been so tired too for this week... Again, we will see how the day goes on Saturday.

Now, I have to go. 'Done with my 30 minute lunch. Have to be back on the clock!

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Gosh, it's been a long while since I opened my Med-Surg book and I am back to zero. I totally forgot all seven chapters I read some months ago. Because of the overcast, we stayed home today and I tried to go back to my reading... and I am catching up. I still remember my frequently used drugs, and most topics on my reviewer are pretty familiar. However I think I need some kind of a brain vitamin to boost my memory. Speaking of the "booster" thing, I went to the hospital for my second TB reading and I am negative. I also have pretty good immune system for some of the common illnesses except for HepB. I have a level 3 and the hospital needed a 10, so the HR said they have to schedule me for a booster shot.

Monday is my orientation... I haven't started yet but I am already missing my daughter. She is my shadow, everywhere I go she's there. So it will be a big change on Monday. But I know she's in good hands with Ate Raquel.

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My Father-in-Law sat in dining table for the longest time ever. Usually, he's the first to leave but not last night. I was even starting to feel uncomfortable so I got up and started fixing up. After everything was done, Rolly was telling me upstairs that he felt his Dad wanted to tell us something. I was thinking the same thing too... I know for the past couple of weeks that they are having some problems with their eldest in the Philippines. Apparently, some frat members are trying to recruit him to join in and the kid was getting scared to go to school. I am feeling bad for Ate Raquel and Dad. I've seen them crying over the phone, I am with them everyday and I am a witness to their agony. I am sad that I couldn't offer them a hand, so all I can do is listen when they tell me something.

I've been too close to Raquel. We tell each other about our thoughts, frustrations and plans. I've come scratch a little bit Tatay's surface too. There are things they share in common with Papa... that is, being strict and having such a strong conviction. And Ate Raquel is so much like my Mom. Always quiet, so understanding and always patient. That no matter what you say, she always seem to know how to handle it with grace.

I have long realized that I was given a family I could never trade. That even with my back turned, I know they say praises on my behalf. I have high regards to my Mom, Dad and Brother(s). Sure, no one is perfect, but they are the reason why this life is just beautiful as it is. I am thankful for the significant people that keep me going every moment. Now that I have my own family, sometimes I feel like I don't measure up. There are those times I wanted to mirror everything with what I left back in the Philippines: A Close Knit Family of Few. Where you can be just yourself, no struggles at all.

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